2020.01.07 “Massage?”

A well-dressed and physically attractive caucasian man in his late 30’s or early 40’s sitting with five of his friends outside drinking a beer at a fancy restaurant asked me: “Massage?” out of the blue.

I was on my usual way back home from the gym, thus in athletic clothes, sweaty with headphones in my ears. Looking straight on, careful to not make eye contact with men on the streets anymore, his question startled me.

Recognizing his question, my initial thought was “maybe he asks this because I am a tan east-Asian woman and thus, in his perception, likely to be a masseuse.” I stopped, took off my headphones, looked him straight in the eye and asked him with sharp incredulity, “What!?”.

In response, he feebly replied, “Do you want a massage?” I repeated myself, “What!?” and walked straight past. I hoped he could sense how incredibly inappropriate his question was.

This experience was a rather disappointing greeting for me back into Munich society after just finishing a few weeks of locking myself up at home for the purpose of completing academic work. I had forgotten I get harassed nearly every day I step outside.

I think his response leaves open the room for two primary interpretations:

1. My initial suspicion was correct, and he saw me, associated my tan, Asian appearance to masseuses (which in Munich massage parlors are commonly run by east/south-east Asians). These inherent racist associations and his looking down on those who look like me allowed him to callously ask me for a massage even in front of five other well-off-looking men.
2. In fact, his second question, “do you want a massage?”, was what he meant to ask me with his first question. In which case, then, it is an innovative yet straight-up manner to execute sexual harassment.

I have been living in Munich, Germany since October 2018. It has been my experience that I am harassed on a nearly daily basis on the streets, in stores, while out clubbing, etc. to varying degrees of inappropriateness. I had mistakenly thought that I had gotten immune to becoming upset in response to these experiences.

Certainly, it is true that I have gotten used to being harassed here, and it is true that Munich is not nearly as bad as many other places in the world. But given that many of my friends do not have similarly inappropriate experiences living in Munich, I wonder what sorts of factors lead to my experiences to be what they are, theirs not.

With my caucasian friends, this question does not seem so difficult. Munich, and European cities more generally, it has been my experience, is extremely racist in comparison to U.S. cities, and many people do not even consider it wrong to make unfair judgments towards others based on others’ appearances.

In the past 16 months, I have had four separate well-educated, average to very attractive and white German boys of middle to upper-middle class economic backgrounds explicitly try to justify making heuristic-based guesses about individual people they do not know with varying appearances.

I asked them questions to clarify their views; all four ultimately grounded their arguments on their available statistical evidence. I found their arguments and statistical evidence to be flawed; their personalities and perspective on the world were also highly resistant to experiencing change.

Some of them did, upon serious and prolonged discussions with me, profess to reconsider the justificatory power of their arguments for their views. One refused to speak to me about these ‘political’ topics after I pointed out a fundamental logical flaw in their reasoning. Other topics were fine.

It occurred to me that the views and attitudes these four boys have throughout the year expressed to me in detail might not be terribly off from the views and attitudes of the man who asked me “Massage?” and of those I interact with on a daily basis and from which I am dealt a continuous and unpleasant stream of harassment.

This attitude of treating other individuals–until proven otherwise–as what they think we would be like based on appearances seems harmful not in itself but because many people’s cognitive associations between any given X and Y prevent them from treating those other individuals with an appropriate degree of respect.

I had mistakenly thought that I had gotten immune to being personally upset or affected by these sorts of negative attitudes. I have in fact gotten very good at immediately responding to rude and racist or sexist comments. This experience with this man is just one of many experiences I have despised while living in Munich.

I have realized that I am not immune to being affected by this category of experiences. My mother noted to me recently that I have become more timid, less sure of myself since moving to Munich. I am likely unaware of the slight but negative effects my experiences have had on my psyche. I must watch out for my well-being.

To return to the main line of thought, I am unsure what are the differences between me and my non-caucasian friends who do not experience similarly high levels of harassment. Other than my small figure and east-Asian-female appearance, I do not think I present myself as a docile fawn, no consequences upon harassment.

I walk confidently, lately without a smile (because smiling through life as I have always done growing up is apparently an open invitation for being asked out by random strangers, here in Germany), sometimes even with an intentional frown. 

It is a possibility I have thought of, that the frequency with which I encounter these instances is due to my high frequency of interaction with others simply because I am so extroverted. So I may not, per unit of time spent among others, experience more harassment than others.

Yet some friends are greatly surprised by the content of what people have said to me, and I also do not comprehend the slang-German that boys have yelled or jeered at me during nights out. I imagine it is pretty bad, given that one time a friend I was with was not willing to translate it for me.

It is a possiblity I have thought of, that the way I move and behave somehow contributes to the content being particularly offensive. I definitely used to get more harassment when I walked around with a smile. Perhaps my friendliness and open-minded air is somehow communicated through my physicality.

I cannot be sure what the causes all are, but I will continue to think about them.