Unfiltered Feelings
by Masako Toyoda
Yesterday I attended a talk on omission/refraining of action, by Miira Tuominen, a Professor of Philosophy at Jyväskylä. It reminded me of a frequent topic of discussion between me and a few of my friends: refraining from doing something one wants to or ought to do and an application of it—from displaying affection. Several of my friends and I seem more attracted to men or women who refrain from displaying affection. I think this is a common phenomenon—to be ecstatic when those who generally deny affection display it, when those who generally hide emotional vulnerability disclose it, etc. It makes you feel very special when they do.
The flip side is that it feels terrible when this affection is absent or the seemingly close emotional encounter is replaced the next time with a cool, unfamiliar distance. But these behavioral patterns are a common experience and, more significantly, seem to make people attracted and irrationally attached to the ones exhibiting them with a *very* high success rate. Hence, some of the same friends who face this issue as well as others who simply observe this tactic’s effectiveness choose to employ the same tactic they despise of others.
It works. In nearly every instantiation of this method that has been reported back to me, this tactic’s effectiveness has been empirically confirmed.
But this tactic, as effective as it may be, is disingenuous (to one’s feelings) and certainly manipulative towards people’s insecurities in attachment and emotional comfort. Moreover, those who are most susceptible to being manipulated by this sort of behavior, at least in my experience, are those who have not enjoyed the rich emotional ease of a secure, unconditionally-*presenting* love throughout their life. Behaving in a detached way to get the results we want from those we want is a manipulation that perpetuates the emotional insecurities of those we purport to care deeply about.
The following thoughts are all very romantic and idealistic, because I am very romantic and idealistic, but each individual person’s contribution to the interconnected web of relationships in which our world consists, I think, is considerable. The accumulation of being on the receiving end of emotional manipulation or even a significantly less serious set of poor behavior is likely to make these people we love less stable, among other harmful consequences—and I see no selfish consideration of any individual to be of any value that could outweigh the rippling damage that these sorts of behavior may cause for the recipient of our own actions as well as the recipients of that human being’s future actions. Our responsibility to refrain from playing on others’ feelings is a responsibility we share in fostering a warmer, emotionally considerate and loving society.
Some of my friends advised me to refrain from displaying affection when I had wanted someone this past year. I was unable to do so, and as you can guess, I am not together with that person as I would have liked; I was never able to justify hiding my feelings and stopping myself from showering him with the affection I felt because I do not believe in employing ‘tactics’ in matters of human to human contact (unless, of course, what one would naturally do is the hurtful option). But also, I don’t know, perhaps I was unable to justify this behavior because I demonstrate no skill in the methods and thus did not even have the option to participate in it. Perhaps I am justifying my default choice of action with idealistic moral reasons because the compelling practical reasons are beyond my control. I have proven time and time again to be unable to refrain from expressing my overwhelming feelings of adoration and love towards others.
In my friendships this behavior of mine is not only unproblematic but also an enriching part of the relationship. They can count on me always to love them deeply, to be supportive, to do all that I can for them without any judgment of them in the process, and most importantly, because of my communicative nature, they know this. In romantic affairs, however, I am very clumsy—just as I am sure many others are—and I can imagine that my feelings which are overwhelmingly intense for me are just as overwhelming for the recipient of them. But I foresee myself being unable to take advantage of this refraining-thing as a means to an end—to take advantage of this method I think fosters a fragile emotional climate and is disingenuous to who I am and how I feel. I would rather be rejected thousands of times than successfully manipulate someone into liking me more just once. I would rather stay in the emotionally vulnerable state which I am perpetually in than stop offering my full, emotional self to all the people I love. I hope that someday I’ll meet someone who will be as vulnerable with me as they will find me be with them. And, as today’s talk on ἐλπίς (hope) in Aristotle quoted from Martha Nussbaum, being a good person “require[s] a stance of openness towards the world and its possibilities”. I’m down for that. 😊
