2019.10. those worth one’s time

Perhaps my perception of myself is wrong (this is likely, given that many people’s perceptions of themselves seem so tragically off the mark), but I am inclined to think that I have an above-average affinity for trying out new things. This year I tried out being extensively involved with someone whom I think would never want to be with me seriously and have let this involvement continue for quite some time (most of the days I spent in Munich were spent with him, all year). I had never done this before; partly through my adoration of him and justified through my love of trying new things for the sake of the experience, I kept this relationship as a significant part of my life. I think many people have these sorts of involvements as what they think are temporary solutions to immediate needs or temporary situations, and thus I doubt I have anything interesting to offer, but perhaps I can at least share something to which others can relate 🙂
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New and interesting experience for me though it was, it taught me that I really do not enjoy being extensively involved with someone with whom I do not share a deep emotional connection and trust nor wants actually (as opposed to his expressed desires) to develop these with me.

This conclusion stems from the following thoughts:

1. The dull (by which I mean boring) lack of emotional depth and of any progress towards it in any relationship is highly dissatisfying for me–in fact, the involvement with him more and more feels extremely meaningless. Despite this, I no longer feel tempted to put in the effort (like I used to) to try to change the depth of this relationship (I think) because I have gotten so acclimated to this lukewarm state and because of (2), below; I attribute my behavioral patterns to the age-old difficulty of breaking habits. This, I think, is a bad and non-justifying reason to remain stagnant as I have.

2. In relationships, I think there is inevitably a trade-off between having a real and deep connection & trust and the acceptance of the risk of feeling the intense highs & lows. I have inducted from my understanding of him and long conversations regarding his views that some people take this risk for the upshot of developing deep emotional connections and trust less readily than others. He himself has insisted that he finds it extremely uncomfortable to pursue or maintain relationships that do not occur naturally. The most he seems willing to do is to message people from time to time to let them know he thinks of them sometimes. It is also interesting to me because with those who respond less to him he initiates more contact, which is simply the fundamental opposite of how I function and approach relationships. I do not claim that there is anything particularly wrong with his way of being for the priorities in his life–indeed, it seems to be working out very well for him; I am simply not of that kind. Thus, it is important to me and I want to share less of my self with those like him because it leads to my, in a way, ‘losing out’ from my own emotional bank. Perhaps I am wrong, but I think that throughout my life I have more often than not been willing to give up my own academic, emotional or even occasionally economic well-being for supporting others, but my experience with him leaves me in a state of reevaluation of my own values regarding this. It is at least clear that with certain people I ought no longer behave in this way. Regarding human relationships, I want to gear my relationships towards and share my self with those who have the capacity to share a more deeply felt joy.

3. Spending a lot time with someone with whom I do not share a deep emotional connection and trust chips away at my own conception of my own self-worth. I cannot count the number of times I have wondered why every time he and I were developing an emotionally (unromantic) closer bond, sooner or later he pulled away. It made me wonder about my own worth as a person and as a friend, but why should it have? His inner fears and demons have nothing (at all) to do with me as a person nor as a friend. The self-worth-doubting pattern of thought was extremely dangerous for my psyche this year, and I’ve realized that I must spend less time with those who trigger it.

4. Time can create some serious familiarity, a significant understanding of one another (think: dysfunctional families’ understanding of one another–pretty far-reaching), a real feeling of comfort in each other’s presence, and more! These he and I have and share; it was a nice part of my life this past year. What time cannot generate-regardless of the length of it-is trust and deep connections. These do not come passively; it takes initiative and an investment of effort from both parties to develop these. These are much more important to me.

In reflecting on my involvement with him, I cannot judge whether it was on-balance a good use of my time; I can judge that this sort of experience is not for me and now know never to repeat it. Right now I think that it is likely that the best thing I have gained from it is the realization that not all life experiences are worth trying, at least not for so long.

{I probably could have produced the same conclusion if I had contemplated more seriously about heroin and meth, but this is what it took, friends, this is what it took.}